my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I skipped work to stalk him.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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