I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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