I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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