theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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