Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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