i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
