Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
