True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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