did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize