Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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