There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
