I need help removing her.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
