Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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