Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize