I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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