Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
