I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
