Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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