So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have fence marks all over my body
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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