Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
