I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
