We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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