i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
