a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
