matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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