Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
