i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
