Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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