I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
