got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
