He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
