She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
