if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize