Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
