There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
