in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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