i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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