i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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