i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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