I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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