I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
