Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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