next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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