I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
