when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
