I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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