Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
