im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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