my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
