She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
