I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
