Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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