I love black thongs
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
