I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
