i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
