I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
