Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
