Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
