how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
